I can't say It.

I know there's lots of instances where people are hesitant or have issues with saying "I love you" to their lovers, s/o's, boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses etc. But I think something is wrong with me. I can't say I love you to my family members. I don't know if it's because I'm Korean and my parents never raised us in such a setting-- and that isn't to say they aren't loving parents, they're great people. My dad isn't anywhere near the "mean, cold" type of Korean fathers. He's pretty "Americanized" in terms of his traditions, values, etc etc. My mom is in between. But all in all I know they love me. I know they love me and my brother and I love them to death. I don't love anyone more than my family...but we don't say I love you to each other. I want to so bad. But I can't. I know. You must think I'm psycho or pathetic, it's just a few simple words and it's not like I don't mean it but why can't I get it to roll off my tongue? I feel so pathetic I wrote this little letter to God.

Lord-- I wonder almost every single day why you made it so that certain things could never be expressed, whether that be by words, paintings, music, etc. I wish I could save everyone and everything, even myself. I wish I could save myself from falling into deep plunder where I only bask myself in anger, fear, anxiety, hatred, loneliness and frustration. I wish I could save the people I love most--my family, from falling into their habitual sins just as I do mine. If I could pick, I'd want to save them first because I would rather suffer and see them all happy instead of the other way around. I wish I could save my dad from drowning back and forth between himself and his inexorable mind. I wish I could save my brother from feeling helpless and getting lost into self-depletion as many people this age do. I wish I could save my mama from feelings of despair and fear from burden, and losing control. I wish I could save myself from hating myself for not being able to help any of them on my own accord, for beating myself up for feeling inadequate as a daughter and sister and person. But mostly I wish that I was even half the person was wishing I am right now; I wish that I could let these people know that I love them more than all of the obstacles I've overcome. This writing all feels purposeless and all talk because it's true. When the one's I want to know won't know, what's the point of writing this anyways? Because I am a failing person who can't express my emotions to people that are especially close. To people I love. Dear God I wonder why you made this such a challenge for me. I wonder why I can be the friendliest person to others or I can chalk up a conversation with strangers in the elevator, but I can't do what matters. When me expressing my concern and love could possibly save us. Sometimes I am bitter at You because You know I always complain about the same thing: why aren't there enough words, enough ways, enough methods to get my inner most emotions and thoughts OUT? And in the end, all of this makes no sense...again...because it's wrapped up in this blog text box...and my heart is nothing close to replicating a mere technological blog text box where I push submit.

how good it makes us feel

I have never felt as much pain in my heart as I did during my fifteenth birthday. I had been looking forward to that day for as long as I could remember – I was the last one out to turn fifteen and my first love wanted to see me. I had been waiting for him the whole day and I was so curious about how he was going to surprise me. The sun was slowly fading and soon it was hidden by beautiful pink clouds – the kinds that only show themselves during lukewarm summer nights. I met up with what I thought was the love of my life and he surprised me, he shocked me so bad I lost my breath. And in that very moment I honestly believed I was going to die. When I finally was able to breathe again, without knowing what I was about to do, I ran away – from the love of my life.

I just kept on running not knowing where I was about to go, but I found a park bench and I sat down for a while. I tried to think clearly, but I couldn’t, what had just happened? Why couldn’t I breathe? Had I been running? Why? I tried to remember what had happened, and then suddenly a lightening rushed through my chest and I remembered what had just happened – it was my fifteenth birthday and my first true love had left me.

I don’t know for how long I was sitting at that park bench, but I remember I watched people walking by – they all seemed so happy, how was that possible? I heard the sound of my phone ringing time and time again, but I didn’t have the strength to answer, I didn’t have the power to move a single muscle. I was thinking about how to get home, if maybe I would have to go to the hospital, though the pounding pain in my chest never seemed to give in. I was thinking and thinking and I found it all rather ironic – me, Isabelle, had been dumped on my fifteenth birthday, what a goddamn karma. I had never been God’s greatest child, but I never figured it would turn out to be this bad.

All of a sudden I saw my dad standing right in front of me, when I saw his face I knew that he knew what had happened. He grabbed my hand and led me to the car which was parked a few blocks away. When I came home I went straight to bed, where I spent the following days. I wanted to know why my first love had left me, I wanted to hear his explanation and I wanted to know exactly what he had told me the day he left me, because I couldn’t remember anything.

It’s truly impossible to put words on the pain I felt inside of me, but the pain never gave in, it just kept on stealing the insignificant energy I had left. The pain burned through my chest, tore my heart to pieces and my crying never seemed to come to an end. Time was running away and every day I was thinking to myself “Tomorrow the pain will be gone”, but it never was. Until a chilly autumn day in the middle of November, I unexpectedly caught myself thinking there wasn’t anything scratching like barbed wire around my heart – the pain was gone. The memories were still there though as well as the fear, but the actual pain inside my body had disappeared.

The thing is that there isn’t the moment when I was dumped in literal sense that’s putting a strain on me today. It’s when I think about the pain I feel sad, or rather scared, because if I felt like that then – then my heart will stop beating for real when the person who gives me a reason to live leaves me. I am going to cry so hard I’m not going to be able to breathe and I won’t be able to calm down or even control myself.

I think that’s exactly why we are afraid of love. Because in truth been told we do know that it’s possible to actually love someone too much, we know the possibility does exist. Isn’t that crazy – to love someone too much? We also do know love always ends unfortunate. Even if love lasts a whole lifetime there comes a time when we are torn apart by death, which frightens me a lot.

But then we got to think like this as well, even how miserably love seems to end it doesn’t mean the ending reveals the history we’ve shared together. Even though love sometimes hurt really badly we also have to remember how good it makes us feel. It makes us feel free, like we can live forever. Love is like a movie – you cannot dislike a wonderful movie with a bad ending – it’s just not possible to feel sad and angry about the bad ending if the rest of the movie felt like a dream.

to my best friend.
im in love with you, it happened abruptly and out of nowhere but nonetheless it was clear as day while i was laying in you arms that i am indeed in love with you. you proposed to me when we were three years old, and i turned you down. i ran away from you with hot tears of embarrassment fleeting down my face hoping to never see you again. but yet here i am. fifteen years later. in love with you. you have no idea, and well to be honest up until now i myself have been in denial about it. im scared. im scared to lose our friendship. im scared to lose my best friend, my trustee, and my cuddle buddy. im sitting here writing this, not even planning on doing anything with it, just getting it out of my head. finally making it real, enabling myself from further lying to myself about it. i cant imagine ever telling you how i feel. i continue to torture myself with your presence, i should end our friendship right here and now, and finally free my self from my self inflicted torment. but i cant. i cant imagine my life without you in it. i cant imagine not being able to laugh with you about the air head things i did today or make fun of how immature you are. im terrified because i know what it feels like to have your best friend be in love with you, but to just simply not reciprocate the feeling. i now officially know what it feels like to be on both sides, and let me tell ya their both miserable. thats the funny thing about love, you cant control it. you cant control who you love, or when you love them. love has seemingly gone rogue. or has it always been?

unrequited love

"A slack jaw and single, heavy thud of my heart as I look between them
and realise the events that will follow.
A gulp as I swallow my fantasies for him and bury them deep.
A shrug as I shake off any unjust and un-entitled feelings of betrayal
that threaten to cloud her in my head.
" Its fine," I hear my brain whisper softly to my heart.
"He's not yours and she is great"

Crying would feel good, but I can't muster a single sob.
I wade through my pain with a bittersweet smile on my lips.
My love for him has long seemed unrealistic, but I had hooked my heart
on these silly dreams.
She is an easy friend. Funny, beautiful, social and sparky.
He obviously has seen this in her too.
Shame he never saw it in me.
Crashing into new realities hurt."

WHAT YOU MEAN BY MARRIAGE !!!!!!!

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an
institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's
Degree and the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and
suffering.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first
year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second
year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they
both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with
friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other
person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found
himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and
found himself divorced.

8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband
gives and the wife takes.

9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't
know son, I'm still paying for it.


10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient />China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father:
That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it
is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a
10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for
her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.


16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to
let him keep her.

17. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.

18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They
just can't face each other, but they still stay together.

19. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.

20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the
marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

21. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.

22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it
only seems longer.

23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

24. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL
HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT
HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.

25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if
you get home before I do, leave the hallway
lighs on.

26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING
YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I
MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.

27. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he
still ends up with the same boss.

29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he
received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU
CAN HAVE MINE.


30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure
of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.

A five headed snake found in Kukke Subramanya, Near Mangalore, Karnataka

IT"S A FRANCE BEAUTY